Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

Hear me out: WrestleVania

got so much cardio in today

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition