Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
☠️
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”