a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.