Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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Holy crap this is wonderful
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Cats (2019)
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.