Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Dead sexy!!
