Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
