“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person