“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
“That’s what” – She
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Friday night party time 🥳