guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what