guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
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[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
