Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
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her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.