Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Legend 🤣🤣
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
it’s either covid or clever vampires