Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.