Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

old twitter is back baby

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees