Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
fair
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.