what does he know…
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.