Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…