Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

This hospital has everything

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

Where is your GOD now????

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

podcasts

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found