Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6