Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
You Might Also Like
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
When you let grandma cat sit
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
🌱🌱🌱
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.