Guys which shade of gery should I get
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Always.
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My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
These aren’t even hard anymore.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.