Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

Go gym

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

There is no “we” in pizza

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!