Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.