Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
You Might Also Like
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Become ungovernable.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
See..?
.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.