Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

found a horse’s reddit account

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.