Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
this is literally a CIA plant
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.