A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.