Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

I think this might be relevant today.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.