Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Ghost costume 😂
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?