Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

water it, i dare you

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down