Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries