Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
man i love columbo
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
You better wish for more oil
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.