Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes