Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way