Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

I’m aging like a fine banana

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.