Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

SQUARREL

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.