Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

nobody’s gonna understand