Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Sending in my taxes

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

what day is it?

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.