Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.