Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?

Just a paranormal pants.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.