guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
so weird how every mom was born today
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
The most accurate map ever devised.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
very niche meme I made
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.