guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
they finally got him. they got macavity
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW