guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
This probably isn’t good
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious