Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
a god among men
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body