Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
You Might Also Like
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.