Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here