Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house