Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

me as a parent

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.