Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something