Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
584.
58.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.