Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I used the label maker
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!