Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

never compromise your values

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.