Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
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Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.