Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me in tagged photos
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I have so many questions.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.