Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.