Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

Windchimes

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?