Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.