Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

We will use anything but the metric system