gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.