Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Sharon I have some bad news

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.