Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Somedays I just love AI so much

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit