Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
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I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor