Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
broke down and did it
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
