Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
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Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
😂😂😂
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m already scared
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
What about a To-Don’t List?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Ummm
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen