Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
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Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Succinctly put.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”