Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

Don’t forget to tip your server

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people