Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

i can’t wait that long

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

thinking about this

So sorry

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?