Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
There is wisdom there.
