Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree