gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
You Might Also Like
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.